Running from Myself

October 14, 2010 § 1 Comment

The fall always reminds me of change. I turn another year older, the weather starts to cool down, the sun sets earlier and raises later, the leaves turn colors and slowly fall off the tree in our front yard. I love to welcome fall because of all the things it holds: the simple joy of picking out a pumpkin at the pumpkin patch, making soup, ditching the dreadmill for runs outside, wearing long sleeve shirts and curling up on the couch with a blanket. But this year is different. This year it’s unseasonably warm, I can barely find time to even pencil in going to the pumpkin patch and I have a bundle of thoughts weighing on my mind like a ton of bricks.

A fact about me: I internalize many of my problems. I don’t mean to do it; sometimes I just can’t find the words to talk about what’s going on in this crazy jumbled brain of mine. Whether it’s my running insecurities, personal family/friend issues, work or life-in-general problems, I have been keeping it all to myself lately. I wish I could blame it on a lack of people I can turn to for support and to talk through it, but that’s not the case. I have a loving husband who wants nothing more than to hear me talk about anything that is bothering me. Despite him asking “what’s up”, I can’t organize my thoughts enough to make any sense and form a conversation. So, I tell him there’s nothing wrong and I move on. It’s cliché, but I really want to say “it’s not you, it’s me”, but I’m not sure if that will help him…or me. Thank goodness he puts up with my neurotic tendencies and hopefully by now he knows that it’s not him or anything he did – it’s all me.

Running helps me escape for a while and think about simple things like the music playing on my iPod or what I’m going to eat when I get done with my run. But unless I turn into Forrest Gump and just take off running, my run end and life creeps up behind me and latches on until the next run.

I have read about runners having emotional breakdowns while running. In a strange way, I wish that would happen to me. I feel like I need to have one big cry and release all my pent up frustrations, anger, embarrassment and disappointments. Just get it all out in one big mess and see where it leaves me. Maybe I just need to sit down and watch a sob-inducing movie to get the ball rolling. Or maybe I should just start being honest with myself and face things head on. Either way, I’m going to keep lacing up and hitting the pavement. CIM is less than two months away and I’ve still got training to focus on.

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§ One Response to Running from Myself

  • Joanna says:

    Well, I’m not sure what to say to help you feel better, but I do hope that things resolve themselves quickly so that you don’t feel the burden of these unspoken feelings. I can totally understand the feeling of just wanting to run, so as to escape from reality just for a bit. It’s so easy to forget everything when your ear-buds are in and no one is around to remind you of everyday life. But life still goes on and all you can do is be patient and know that sometimes there are things that are completely out of your control and your patience will be the only thing to keep your sanity. And those things you can control are ones that, though sometimes tough, should be taken on head first on occasion. You are a very levelheaded person and I trust that you know what is best for yourself, so don’t fret. You will figure it out. Wow…I wrote a lot for not knowing what to say.

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