Running Into Life

Olly olly oxen free: a catchphrase used in children’s games to indicate that players who are hiding can come out into the open without losing the game.

Where, oh where have all my posts gone? Where, oh where could the be? Yes, I’ve been away for a bit, but fear not. I’m still in the kitchen. I’m still running. I’m still keeping busy — a little too busy at times — and  have gotten a little sidetracked.

I’ve been hiding from an issue that I’m about to open up about. This is a tough one because I am afraid of what people might think, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it might be helpful to get it out there — for me and for anyone else who struggles with the effects of “too much”.

Running is a big part of my life. Bigger than I tend to focus on here lately, but even with my blog’s name, you kinda get it, right? Well, if you’ve been following along for the past year or so, something has been awry with my training for quite some time (see here and here for examples) and I have just pushed it aside and pretended like nothing was wrong. Anyone who bottles up their thoughts and emotions knows that this can lead you down a disastrous path. It can feel like running in the dark with no headlamp — uncertain, scary, troublesome, embarrassing.

I thought there was something physically wrong with me. That my breathing issues were being caused by asthma or allergies or even that pesky scar tissue in my lung from having a mean case of Valley Fever years ago. I was searching for something — anything — to give me a reason for what I was (am) going through. No such luck. After my “failure” at this year’s Rock ‘n Roll AZ marathon, I finally went to my doctor to see what was going on. After some chest X-Rays, CT scans and a bunch of hmmm’s, I still had no answer.

That’s when things started to get real for me. And no, I’m not talking about the cheesy “Real World” drama kind of real. I’m talking about the “holy crap there’s a bunch of stuff on my mind and I  don’t know how to deal with it” kind of real. Between the ultimate disappointment for my first DNF, a trend of bad long runs/marathons, a bad case of bronchitis, a growing work load, personal stress and a bunch of other crap that I’ve kept inside… something was bound to breakdown. In my case, it was my breathing. And unfortunately, now it comes in spells when I’m not even running.

I get it. My mind is telling me something is not right and it’s trying to get my attention with this annoying breathing thing. I know, brain. I need to pay attention to what you have to say. I need to relax. I need to stop bottling things up. I need to let go of the stuff stowed away that’s not doing me any good to keep around. Oh sure. Sounds easy enough, right? If it was easy, I wouldn’t need to be opening up here. If it was easy, I wouldn’t be constantly forcing myself to take deep breaths because I feel like I’m not getting enough air. If it was easy, I’d be better right now.

Good news — yes, there’s some good news — is that I’m on the right track. At least I think I’m on the right track. My running is going well (including the AMAZING experience I had on my first Ragnar Relay team), but my confidence has been shaken and I’m struggling to get it back. I’m working on it. I’m working on me. I’m working on getting through this to find a happier, healthier me. I know I have some work to do, but I’m willing to do what it takes. In the meantime, I’m still here.